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I'm an author, freelance writer, proofreader, wife, and coffee fiend. Love God, my family and friends.
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Wednesday, October 7, 2009

So You Want To Be A Songwriter...





Once upon a time (about 12 years ago) in a magical land (Nashville), there was a girl (me) who loved to write songs (no, really, I did.) I was good at it. Really, really good at it. Far be it from me to toot my horn, but DANG I was GOOD! I wanted to make a career out of it, but then I had to go and meet the love of my life and I was sure we were going to have babies right away and everything else was left on the back burner.

I kept up with it a little bit until I ignored that one pesky red light and got side-swiped by a minivan at 50 miles an hour and severed some tendons in my left hand - the hand that holds down the guitar strings. If I had been really motivated, I would have taught myself to play using my right hand to hold down the strings, but alas, I'm just not that dedicated. But now I'm on this guitar-playing kick again. I can only blame it on the death of my cousin, which is something that brought emotions out of me that I hadn't toiled over in ages. I'm looking for another form of self-expression, apart from the usual writing I do. A while back, I bought pastels and tried to become an artiste but after realizing my 3-year-old niece had me beat in the art department, I gave up. Might as well go back to something you know.

Except... I don't know how to do this anymore. I pulled out all my old songbooks and tried to play through some tunes, but I played them like a blind, deaf, mute person. It takes me like five minutes to switch chords. The callouses on my fingertips are long gone. I can't even find a guitar pick anywhere in the apartment. (Note: pennies do not have the same effect.) The guitar I'm playing isn't even mine - it's borrowed from a friend (thanks Jen.) I hocked mine years ago when I realized that, post-car accident, I was better suited to playing the triangle or, even better, a CD.

Astonishingly, I can still play chords... but hell if I know what they are anymore. I can handle G, D, C, F and after that I don't know what's what anymore. In college, my friend Reba decided to teach herself how to play, too. It was pretty bad. Bad enough that I started laughing uncontrollably whenever she tried to play an actual song. I don't think this would insult her - she was well-aware of her suckiness. But every time I try to squak out an F chord (I've completely lost the ability to play bar chords, so it always sounds more like a cat getting hit by a semi than it does like an F) I remember Reba taking ten minutes to put her fingers in the right place. It's like I've regressed in age or something.

I started playing guitar for two very basic reasons: 1) I wanted to be Amy Grant, and 2) both of my brothers played. They were always in bands, always jamming. I was the dumb little sister, more than 10 years younger, and I wanted to have something in common with them. So the Christmas when I was 15 years old, my brother Greg got one of his old guitars, fixed it (he had torn the back off of it in a fit of rage and had to hammer it back on with nails), put nylon strings on it, and voila, I had my own guitar. Except that I hated the piece of crap, so I didn't take it seriously until my other brother was kind enough to take me to Marty's Music Store, where I purchased a Fender DG21S. Bottom of the line, but with top-of-the-line sound. I think it was like $250.

I took care of it like some people take care of a Porsche. I waxed it, shined it, changed the strings all the time (Greg taught me to boil them first so they'd be more elastic), kissed it, loved it, rocked it to sleep... Not quite that extreme, but pretty close.

Before long I was struggling through "The Very Best of Amy Grant" for easy guitar. I made bi-weekly trips to the music store to buy fresh sheet music to learn. I learned that Sheryl Crow music is pretty darned complicated. I found out there isn't just one way to tune a guitar. I kept the fingernails on my right hand long, and trimmed the ones on the left down to a nub. Gil bought me a leather guitar strap (which, sadly, I use on my Guitar Hero guitar now) and I was off and running.

I loved it. Isn't it weird how easily we sometimes forget something we loved? Life gets in the way, reality takes over. How I miss being a 20-year-old with a guitar and big dreams. You go from wanting to be on the cover of Performing Songwriter to figuring out how you're going to afford to pick up your bipolar medication. Life can be such a draaaaaag, maaaaaaaaaan.

Last week, when I was in California, my cousin's boyfriend - who has a master's degree in guitar performance from Peabody - wowed us with everything from a little classical guitar to a dead-pan Johnny Cash impersonation. I wowed him with the 4 chords I could play, and how little I actually know about music these days.

I'm thinkin' if I can just figure out what in the heck chord this is, maybe I can recapture a little bit of the magic. Even if I never do win that Grammy.

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Friday, October 2, 2009

Life...or What's Left of it.



I'm feeling a little bit indignant today. I should be overflowing with joy and gratitude that I got to fly out to San Jose, CA for my cousin's memorial service. I AM grateful for that. Seeing my loved ones was priceless.

I have always said that when someone dies, the world ought to stop spinning for a while. Even if it's for 24 hours. Everything in your own life grinds to a halt, while the wind keeps blowing, day turns into night, seasons change, cars honk their horns, people laugh out in the street. Where do the rest of us go when all we want is for everything to STOP?

I am having a hard time finding reasons to be happy, which is ridiculous, I suppose. I have a dear husband whom I have been married to for 9 years at the end of this month. I have nieces and nephews that I adore. I have my writing. I have my Jesus. I feel as though I don't have a right to be happy. I think about my family out west and what they're going through, and I get this feeling of, "How DARE you take pleasure in anything right now?"

I'm done being angry. The entire time my cousin was sick, I was good and pissed and I didn't hide it. I couldn't pray and I couldn't deal with God. I can't live like that anymore, because, for one, Jay would hate it. Jay was a force of light and life and laughter and if he were here right now, he'd slap the anger right out of me! But also because I know, from my own life, that constant anger turns into bitterness, and bitterness hurts the people around you, and I love them too much to become that person again.

The unpredictability of life gets me. I struggle with "letting go and letting God" because I see how nuts this world is. I worry and fear. Will I lose my Scotty too young? Will I grow old alone? I am a woman of many bad habits - I'm a coffee fiend and a smoker, I like to stay up late and I hate working out. I make grand resolutions for my life only to look around and realize... you can take care of yourself and still have it crumble at the end.

You can be an athlete, a musician, a great husband and dad, and your candle might still burn out too early.

You can be a health nut, a trainer, only consuming things that are good for you, and still have your body break down and betray you.

So I guess I've been standing outside a lot lately, looking up at the sky, wondering what really matters. What is truly important, and what's crap? Should I give up the stuff that is supposedly bad for me, even though it might not make one lick of difference, or do I take my chances?

I can't help but think, though, that we take our chances simply by existing in the first place.

I will, however, say this: I adore my husband.
He's respectful. He's loving. He never insults me or puts me down. He believes in me and does his extra best for us ALWAYS. And I appreciate that more now than ever, and I feel for those who don't have it.

That's worth savoring.

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

I've never quite felt this way before.
You know how many times you've said, "I can't wait for this week to be over"? I feel that way and yet I don't... because when this week ends, my sweet cousin will no longer be here. When somebody dies, it always seems like the world should stop turning for a while. When a massive hole forms in your universe it's so surreal to step back and realize that for everyone else, it's business as usual. I was dunking Margherite cookies in my coffee and checking my email this morning trying to picture Jay's family. They are 3 hours behind me, so they were probably asleep... or completely sleepless. Jay's wife is probably wondering how she will go on with her life after spending 30 years with the man, and here I am blogging from a recliner, with a big dinner digesting in my stomach. I want to close my eyes and click my heels three times and make this all go away. I wanted Jay to make headlines for being miraculously healed from a state of quadriplegia.

Honestly, though, I'm so done with asking questions. I'll never understand. And even if I did, would it make it any better? Answers wouldn't fill the hole in the universe. It wouldn't give me another day with Jay.

I feel a little guilty for feeling so emotional over this... I don't quite know why. But I really can't help it; this dominates my thoughts. I've had my nose buried between the pages of the Bible, in the words of greats like Oswald Chambers, and doing my best to think on the good things of God. I've looked through every photo I have of my cousin at least a dozen times. The pain is so deep I almost can't feel it anymore, if that makes any sense at all (I'm sure it doesn't.) I feel like every part of me is on auto-pilot. Selfish Julie is completely heartbroken. But underneath that gunk, I'm thrilled for Jay.

I haven't been able to cry. I feel like... if I can just let the tears come, I will be OK.

God is so good, all the time.
This stabbing sorrow will only last for a season. Scars are proof of wounds that have healed.

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Monday, September 14, 2009

Hello, Goodbye.



My sweet cousin, Jay, has been valiantly battling ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) for four years. The husband/father/musician/athlete/prankster slowly but surely lost all his physical capabilities and as we speak, the only body parts that work are his eyes. But even that is dwindling, as the muscles in his eyelids and face waste away, leaving him unable to do, literally, anything.

Despite all of his losses, he has accomplished more as a sick man than I have accomplished as a healthy woman. With nothing but his eyes and a computer, he turned Bible stories into children's musicals, painstakingly placing each note on the software with his unsteady gaze. He impacted generations for eternity, and proved that God can use the very worst of circumstances for His glory.

But more importantly, he is a husband of 30 years and the proud father of 4. His eldest, an opera singer, is finishing up her master's degree at Peabody Conservatory. Another daughter is a photographer. Another is still in high school, and the youngest is a young teenager. All 4 have been homeschooled, and all 4 are brilliant, beautiful, and exceptionally talented. You could not find a closer family; these are special people.

Jay lives on the west coast, and I live on the east coast. We've seen each other in person maybe 4 times, and yet I feel closer to him and his family than I do the rest of my relatives. How? Jay and his wife, TJ, told me about Jesus when I was 12. I spent the a few weeks with them in California and when I came home to Pennsylvania, I was never the same. Once you meet Jesus, you can never forget Him. I certainly couldn't, and a few months later, I became a Christian. The bonds that God forges, not shockingly, are always the strongest.

Watching Jay suffer rattled my faith for a long time. I wrestled with it mightily. I used to sit at my cubicle at the office, trying to focus on my work, all the while absorbed with thoughts of my family and what it all meant. Did it mean anything at all? Why does God heal some people and not others? If anyone 'deserved' to be healed, it was Jay. He struggled for years with bipolar disorder - an illness we both share - and he lost his own father as a teenager. I used to plead with God - "Doesn't he deserve a break? Why do you only heal SOME people?"

But over time, that seemed to change. Jay didn't change; God didn't change. The only thing that changed was my perspective. Jay wasn't focusing on death. He was focusing on what he could do with the life he still had left. Not that he didn't have somber days, because surely he did, but he was determined to make this worthwhile. He couldn't impress by sitting down at the piano anymore; he couldn't impress by playing sports anymore. The only thing he could really do was live. Just live. Out of immobility came amazing music and laughter, but for me - who never got to see any of the musicals - it was in the quietness that his voice was the loudest. He cared about other people above himself. He was determined to laugh and make other people laugh. When I expressed to him on a few occasions how heartbroken and sad I was over the situation, he basically told me to "snap out of it." :) And, most tellingly, he said that if one person came to Christ because of what he was going through, then it was all worth it.

When Jay was diagnosed 4 years ago, my marriage was in an... interesting state. I had just written and released a marriage book, a sort of memoir about the things my husband and I had been through. I was desperately trying to convince myself that things were OK, but deep down I knew better. They were crumbling and I wanted out. Jay's illness changed my perspective on that, too. My own husband has had recurrent and chronic health problems over the almost 9 years we've been married. I spent a lot of time asking God why, and being angry about it. But Jay and TJ's marriage seemed to deepen. TJ became his devoted caretaker, and I learned a lot about what it means to be a helpmate and what vows really stand for. When we say "for better or for worse" we don't actually believe we're going to have to tackle "for worse." But sometimes the worst brings out the best in a relationship, if God is at the center. My heart softened and I stopped complaining. I didn't understand it, but this was the life God had for us. We could either piss and moan or we could use it to be a witness to other people and we could use the situation to truly become one.

Now, my cousin is ready to go Home.
He's fought the good fight, touched people in as many ways as he could, and he's tired. He expressed to his wife and children yesterday that he's ready to do away with life support. When his eyes can no longer see, he will be completely unable to communicate. He wants to leave this world with some dignity. I wish God would just take him in his sleep, that this wouldn't have to be an issue for his family. Who wants to let someone they love die? But I don't think anyone could argue that Jesus is calling, and it seems unfair to keep him from answering that call, as much as it hurts to let go. Now, maybe he'll change his mind by the time I post this, I don't know. But either way, the time is coming. Nobody can keep it at bay much longer.

I'm sad that I won't be able to hug him again. I always wanted to do more sight-seeing in California with him. In 2003, Jay and his family were here for a week and Scott and I had a wonderful time touring Gettysburg with them. I wish my husband had more time to get to know him better. I wish his kids would never know a Christmas without their dad, and I wish he could be there to walk them down the aisle someday. So many things we will lose, and yet in the course of eternity, this is a drop in a bucket. All we can see is that we WON'T see him for a long time to come, but I'm willing to bet that when we get to Heaven, time will be irrelevant.

We just have to hang on.
God bless my sweet cousin as he prepares to let go.

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Friday, September 11, 2009

Daniel Suhr - 1st Fireman Killed on 9/11



This is a tribute I wrote in 2006 for The 2,996 Project to mark the 5th anniversary of 9/11.
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Intro

When the entire world changed on September 11, I was left with a helpless feeling I have never experienced before, or since.
It changed me. It stole something from me, but it also made me a better person.
I jumped at the chance to honor a fallen American. I just didn't expect to that I would be honoring someone so....large. Larger than life. A hero for the ages.
I didn't know anything about Daniel Suhr when I got involved in this project, which seems rather odd. Danny's story, as it turned out, was all over the media initially after the attacks, and it played a fairly sgnificant role in the trial of Zacharias Moussoui.
The more I get to know about him, the more honored I am that I was assigned to write about him.

In the last few days, I've received e-mails from people who either knew Danny, or knew someone in Danny's family. Every person was somehow touched by his life, and moved by his death.
I find that as I write this, I'm actually pretty nervous. How do you do a guy like this justice?
I guess you can't. I feel like I knew Danny, but I didn't, and I could never really understand who he was without that interaction.
All I do know is, he has a story that deserves to be told. By knowing his story, and by hearing from the people who knew him and loved him most, I think that I've had an accurate portrayal of his character.

So, thanks to to James Suhr, who opened the door and let me into his brother's life.
I apologize to everyone who knew and loved Danny, for never being able to fully capture the amazing person that I know Danny Suhr was.
I'm gonna do my best.

He has become one of my greatest heroes.

Friends of Daniel Suhr called him "Captain America." He was a guy who seemed to have it all and do it all -- a tough fireman and athlete who seemed invincible.
And when he died, according to an e-mail I received this week, it was said that "they killed Superman."

I think it's an excellent description, because the guy was certainly above average.

The third of six children born into an Irish Catholic family from Brooklyn, Danny was a natural athlete and leader. An all city linebacker in high school, he played college football in California,and then went on to play semipro ball for the Brooklyn Mariners.
Danny joined the fire department when he was 21 years old, following in the footsteps of his father, who was a fireman for 33 years.
He would eventually become captain of his FDNY football team, as well.

Like I said -- larger than life.

But Captain America had a soft side, and it was his family that brought it out in him.
Danny and his wife, Nancy, had a love story that many people only dream of. They met when Danny was thirteen and Nancy was twelve. It was a perfect fit. They fell in love and never fell out of it. They dated for twelve years and married in 1989.
Together they had a daughter, Briana.
She was almost three when her dad died.
According to James, Nancy joked that it was amazing the baby ever learned to walk, because Danny was holding her in just about every picture.

On September 11, 2001, Danny was a member of FDNY Engine Co. 216. On a normal day, Danny would have driven the firetruck to the scene of the fire, but we know that September 11 was no ordinary day. And driving with the truck meant staying with the truck, and as he watched smoke and flames pour out of the World Trade Center towers, there was no way Danny Suhr was going to stay back with the truck. He was going in.
So Danny left the truck with a probie (a newbie firefighter), and headed towards the chaos.

All of us would like to say we'd be heroic in the face of grave danger, but the first instinct, for most of us, would be to run away from the fire.
Danny's instinct was to run to it.
He had a choice. He chose the danger.

As he rushed to the towers with his comrades, he was struck and killed by a jumper from the 31st floor of the North Tower.

Seven firefighters, including four from Engine Co. 216, rushed to him and stayed by his side, refusing to leave him. They pulled him under the scaffolding of a nearby building and attempted to revive him, even though it had become obvious that he'd sustained catastrophic injuries. Fr. Mychal Judge administered last rites to Danny before himself dying the collapse of the first tower.

Danny was a hero in both life and in death.
It seemes that whether Danny had made it into the tower that day or not, his life was somehow destined to end regardless. You see, that tower collapsed moments later, and Danny would have most likely been lost.
But because he died, and his friends refused to leave his side, they were saved from certain death, also. When Dan lost his life, he saved those of his friends.

Out of everything I've come to know about Danny Suhr, I am forever overwhelmed by the face that -- I mean, he had to know it was beyond bad -- and yet he put himself in grave danger to help others. How could any mere human being climb 60, 70, 80 flights of stairs with 100 pounds of equipment strapped to them? Forget logic. Forget danger. Dan went anyway.

That's the true definition of a superhero.

Daniel Suhr, in addition to over 300 other members of the New York Fire Department, were among the first casualties in a war that most of us never thought we'd ever have to fight, but will be fighting for generations to come.
They died trying to rescue others. And when you look at the pure evil of that day, their extraordinary actions stand out in stark contrast.

Guys like Danny Suhr remind us of the good in this world, and encourage us to do our best to live like them.
They represent all of America -- the 'good guys' who seek to make the world a better place.
For as many people perished on 9/11, many heroes were born. Because of the events of 9-11-01, we learned the our nation was about more than financial strength and power. We were all one family.
It is love that makes up this country.

I wish I could have met you, Danny.
Thanks for changing my world for the better anyway.

And to the entire Suhr family, my sincere condolences, my utmost gratitude, and my deepest respect.
You should be eternally proud.

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Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Tate Diaries...



Pardon the short update, but I have to get up early for work in the morning. (Yes, on Labor Day.)

As of Tuesday, I will be 6 weeks into recovery. I can go back to life as normal... though I'd say it has been pretty normal anyway. The openings at the base of left nipple and at the bottom of my left breast have healed but they have left behind some unflattering scarring. :( I am now using cocoa butter 2-3 times a day on my scars and already it is beginning to help. However, if the scar at the base of the nipple does not fade significantly, I may get it fixed. The one on the bottom, unless it gives me discomfort, I'll probably ignore.

I do still have a few staples poking through, but it has not been problematic. I can feel a few of them floating around in there... not sure if they'll break through the skin eventually or be absorbed. I am wearing sports bras and soft cotton bras most of the time now, though I still wear the compressing bra a bit after a lot of activity.

While the girls are still rather square in shape (and likely will be for a few months), I am THRILLED to report that the swelling is gone and they are beginning to drop. I now look like I have "normal" boobs under my clothing. To demonstrate, I am going to post a few (clothed!) pictures below.

All in all, a wonderful experience, difficult at times, but not nearly as bad as I feared it would be, and SOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!!!!

WEEK 1





WEEK 6

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

To All The Cars I've Loathed Before



This week I am parting with my 1992 Chevy Corsica. Baby blue with patches of rust, 250,000+ miles, bad brakes (front and back), a backseat ripped to shreds and covered with a cheapie afghan, and a passenger side door that doesn't open. (Yes, I've pulled a Dukes of Hazard to get into my car more than once!) When I lived in Nashville, everyone drove a Jaguar. It never rubbed off on me. I wish I was more of a car snob than I am.

Here's a list of some of the cars I have loathed and lost:

1. 1992 Geo Metro. A little bubble hatchback with 4 doors and the safety of a skateboard with a plywood roof. Bought it from my brother for $500, I think. (Whatever it was, it was too much. You just wait, Gil!) Little rust, low miles, and it could run on $10 worth of gas for a week. (Back when gas was $.89 a gallon!!) Probably the most efficient thing I ever owned, but if I'd ever gotten into an accident with anyone larger than a pogo stick, I would have been the consistency of marshmallow fluff. One of my old bosses told me I needed to be delivering pizzas for Pizza Hut in that thing.

2. 2000 Ford Escort. Great car. Maroon. Two doors - that kinda sucked. We owned it for 6 months before I drove it through a red light, was hit by a minivan, and totaled it. Woke up in a cemetery. Out of work 2 months with injuries. Fun fun!

3. 1994 Pontiac Grand Am. I HATED THIS CAR. It was purple and sporty and was comfy to drive, but less than 2 weeks after I drove it off the lot, the A/C died. Had my 2-year-old nephew in his car seat and ran to my brother's front door to lock it when I heard what sounded like a half-stick of dynamite explode - nope, just my A/C. Then the anti-lock brakes died. Then it would only go up to 45 mph without bucking and lunging violently - had the spark plugs changed and it helped but never solved the problem. Then the heat died. I drove an entire winter with no heat because I didn't have the money to fix it. Bought de-icing spray and had a clock radio-sized heater that plugged into my lighter outlet to keep us from being found dead with icicles hanging from our nostrils. We bought a special rag to wipe off moisture from inside the dashboard. It actually died WHILE WE WERE TAKING IT TO A DEALERSHIP TO TRADE IT IN. Rather than tow it, we left it on the road. As I drove back in my new car, I rolled down the window and threw a bottle at it. The dealership eventually towed it to their business on their own dime. WIN!

4. 1987 Nissan Pathfinder. The thing ate gas faster than I eat Hershey Kisses when I'm PMSing. It took me 15 minutes to get to my job and I expended 1/4 tank each way, up and back. That's 1/2 a tank in 30 minutes!! It was fun to drive because it was up on its wheels pretty high and had no hydraulics, so I made a game of hitting bumps as fast as possible. The steering wheel was held together with some kind of plastic string. Only some of the seatbelts worked. The plastic covering the dashboard looked like it had been attacked by a wildcat. The group home girls made fun of it. Oh - I almost forgot my favorite feature - the windshield wipers turned on and off by themselves. I had no control whatsoever. So on a crystal clear, 90-degree day in the middle of July, my wipers would come on full speed and I'd have to endure the baffled stares of my driving peers. I even talked about it on a radio morning show, once. I was there to discuss my book, but the windshield wipers were more interesting.

5. 1989 Buick Le Sabre. I'm driving this little beaut even as we speak. In its heyday, it was one heck of a car. Everything is computerized, the locks and windows are electric, the seats move around at the touch of a button, and the sound system is awesome. Twenty years ago, I would have been in the lap of luxury. I bought Greta in November of last year. The heat died a month later. The prior owner - a drug addict-turned-Christian - put angel decals all over the back of the car, and used push pins to write "GOD BLESS" on the ceiling. It's a black car with a lot of dents and dings. One time, when I was making a right-hand turn, two people on the street corner started walking up to me making gang signs. I don't blame them - I totally look like a pimp or a pusher in that thing. My neighbor hit it with his Hummer a few months ago and felt so terrible - was going to open an insurance claim and everything. We told him not to bother - it couldn't look any uglier than it already did. Drove all winter with no heat but, fortunately, it was a mild winter. Discovered this summer that the supposedly brand new A/C also died. A black car in August = AWESOME! Not. Just had the fuel pump replaced, but the mechanics broke my brake line in the process - an extra $60. Sometimes the "SERVICE ENGINE SOON" light comes on but, as with most car-related issues, I ignore it.

There are other cars, but these stand out. They are the worst of the worst. It's a little humiliating, but I'm not trying to impress anyone. If it runs, I'll drive it. Dave Ramsey would be so proud of my clunker!

Sometimes I like to do strange things to add to the ambience, so if you ever see a huge, old black car coming down your street, blasting talk radio, and the driver is banging her head... please wave!

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